Tainted

Talking with the shrink today, I realized one reason I am unhappy is everything that should be or normally is enjoyable to humans is tainted to me. For instance, I used to enjoy food a lot...all different kinds and flavors from all over the world. Now when I eat I just think about the calories I'm consuming and how much fatter it's making me. Similar things have happened with other things I used to enjoy. Everything is contaminated with some fear or contrary poisonous thought.

Why am I such a miserable person? I've had a really good life relatively speaking. Good parents, good siblings, a good education. I lack very little, I have a good living situation. What is there to object to in my life? Why must I have such a distaste for living? I must be one of the most ungrateful people in the world.

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On a different note, my next post is my 300th post (actually there's been a lot more than that, but I've deleted a lot of the older posts). I had intended to do something special, but now I don't know. Any ideas to do something special? Anything anyone wants to hear from me? Anything anyone's curious about?

Fucking Incompatibilities

I hate my life. I don't know what happened this evening, maybe coming home depressed me, maybe I really am just fucked up in the head. My life is nothing more than a mishmash of seemingly incompatible pieces: Christian, gay, conservative yet liberal, I'm a big guy but I like wearing makeup (yes, I fucking like wearing make up), I don't enjoy many things stereotypically gay, but then I also don't enjoy a great many stereotypically straight things either. All these random pieces and none of them makes up a decent whole, just a wretched stained-glass impression of something formerly human.

All the stress from school and job piles up on top of it, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't breathe. I just sit there gasping for air like I'm drowning. What the hell is wrong with me that I'm so ill-suited for life? Is this survival of the fittest at work? Are my problems really that big that I can't over come them? Or at least learn to live happily with the inconsistencies?

My Mom and a Bar

My mom's at it again, apparently. Reports by my sister have my mom saying that she (my mom) was just waiting until I was done with the 'gay thing.' At this point I really don't care what my mom says any more, but it IS like slamming one's head against a wall over and over trying to get my mom to get it. I guess I need to understand her and where she's coming from and be patient.

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On a different note, I went out to a gay bar for the first time ever! I went with a friend and fellow blogger, Random Thoughts, in my hometown here and we stayed from 9:30ish until the place closed at 2AM. We had a couple drinks, watched the drag show (with some rather beautiful guys that made equally beautiful women o.O), and then watched the underwear contest (who was hottest in their undies). In the contest there were some smokin' guys....smokin'.

So, yeah, I had a blast! One thing I noticed when I came home after being at the bar, I was really happy. I was ecstatic and content to be me...I've rarely ever felt like that in my life. I guess seeing other guys like me mixing together was very affirming. And I needed that after hearing what my mom said.

Home

I'm safe at home and, guess what? My parents have wireless! FTW!

Goneish for a Bit

This Wednesday I am going home and will probably not have regular internet access. I hope to be on in the evenings PDT (whatever that translates to for my overseas correspondences), but there's no guarantee.

On a different note, I really need this. I go for so long without seeing my family, and, in many ways, they are all I have to live for. My nephew is always so much taller and more advanced when I go home, my parents are always doing something new, etc. I'm just glad that my family as a whole doesn't seem to change much. They are still the people I love and know, they still have my back, and we still love each other.

A Tribute to You

I wanted to post something, but couldn't think of anything. Then it hit me...you know what? I really love you guys...all of you. I am so thankful for the support and care of other bloggers here, you guys have made a world of difference in my life. When I was first coming out, some of you such as Steevo, Aek, Tommo, David, Tranquil Time, and Charlie were very encouraging and supportive.

As I stepped more out of the closet, I met more of you and realized 1) I wasn't alone, and 2) that I had even more support than I could ever want. I'm sure I can't do everyone justice, but Mboy, Zee, Tarotism, Sethboyardee, NG, Hypnos, Mr. HCI, Doug, Joshua, and Alien Son have all made a positive difference in my life. I thank you also for being there, being encouraging, and having the right things to say when I needed it.

More recently I've also been introduced to some very cool guys: Jordan, Deadwing, Landyn, CVN70, Mike, Nathan West, Mikey, Simply Nick, Mark, Pilgrim, DBC, Matt, and Jeremy. You guys also rock my world; I am again encouraged by you. I hope I am equally supportive back.

So this is a small thank you to all those that have a made a difference. Some of you I've seen in person, some of you I've met only online. Some of you I love like a brother, a couple of you I love more than that, some of you I've fought with on occasion, lol. But when all is said and done, I have a beautiful, invaluable network of support and care.

Cheers,

-James

PS - And if I've left anyone out for goodness sake comment and I'll edit the post. :P

Hot Springs

Last night, really late, I went with some people I live to the local hot springs. When we got to the springs I realized (with some delight) that most everyone (not myself) was going skinny dipping. This means I got to spend a good hour+ with two very cute and very naked German guys. Hubba.

So yeah, just wanted to get that out of my system. :P