I hate my life. I don't know what happened this evening, maybe coming home depressed me, maybe I really am just fucked up in the head. My life is nothing more than a mishmash of seemingly incompatible pieces: Christian, gay, conservative yet liberal, I'm a big guy but I like wearing makeup (yes, I fucking like wearing make up), I don't enjoy many things stereotypically gay, but then I also don't enjoy a great many stereotypically straight things either. All these random pieces and none of them makes up a decent whole, just a wretched stained-glass impression of something formerly human.
All the stress from school and job piles up on top of it, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't breathe. I just sit there gasping for air like I'm drowning. What the hell is wrong with me that I'm so ill-suited for life? Is this survival of the fittest at work? Are my problems really that big that I can't over come them? Or at least learn to live happily with the inconsistencies?
Monday, July 6, 2009
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6 comments:
Sometimes life just sucks. I hope things get better for you soon.
I'm really sorry to see you so depressed so soon after you were so elated.
Dunno if that means you need something else to be enduringly happy.
But hang in there.
*hugs*
:( *Hugs*
You're an incomplete jig-saw puzzle. All the pieces are there but not all are in the right place or even flipped up. It'll take time to sort and consolidate in order to see the whole picture. You might need someone to help you - a close friend, a love, a sibling.
I understand your stress well, it's suffocating. And you go to bed wondering if you'll wake up alright or in a complete mess. But if you can, seek the sunlight and tell yourself each morning that things will be okay. That you can get through the day.
http://studentaid.ed.gov/PORTALSWebApp/students/english/IBRPlan.jsp
That should help with education loans. *Hugs*
From your description, it sounds like you are in that place of disorientation that many of us arrive at. What we were does not work any more. What we will become we do not yet know. And so we come to the "dark night of the soul" as St John of the Cross put it, where all is darkness. Not dark as in hopeless, but dark as in we do not understand what is going on, and we cannot see where we are going, or where God is leading us. And this is, strangely, a gift (though it does not feel like it right now!).
There is nothing wrong with you.
If you want to learn more about what might be happening in you, you might check out _The Dark Night of the Soul_ by Gerald May, a very well written contemporary interpretation of St. John of Cross by a psychiatrist and spiritual director.
hang in there - all those parts of you are there for a very important reason - the trick is figuring out how to use all of those things to your advantage to create a whole that you are comfortable with - and if you are still hung up on stereotypes just look around blog land, I have haven't found one stereotypical person yet, and that's actually what I like around here
:(
*hugs you*
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