One of my friends on here was talking with me about my persistent feelings of worthlessness and neediness come from. He very wisely pointed out that the feelings probably aren't merely a matter of existence, but that they most likely originate from somewhere, and not (just) from being alone. So, he asked me to think back, to link back, where do these thoughts and feelings come from? Here's my answer.
I think my "issues" go back to two trends that have been throughout my life: the trend of being ignored and the trend of being spurned by my peers. The first trend, of being consistently side-lined in life is really strong. Obviously it didn't happen all the time, but it happened often enough and with the people that mattered when I was younger. For instance, my mom used to spend a lot of time occupied with 4H and FFA with my two older sisters, and my younger brother was always getting into trouble so he took up so much time.
I remember on more than one occasion my mom said to me that she regretted not spending more time/money/resources on me, but that she felt since I didn't complain that I didn't need. She was wrong, and I did complain sometimes. But it wasn't much complaining and nothing happened about it, so I just gave up. That's pretty much the way it was for me as a kid; the squeakiest wheel gets the oil and I rarely made a noise.
I was ignored a lot, I think. It wasn't active neglect, of course, but a passive letting be. I always got lost at county fairs (and it took my family longer than a few minutes to realize I was missing), my teachers never worried about me because I did so well, my Sunday school teachers all thought I was a very pious kid so they didn't fret about my faith, etc, etc. So, maybe if I'd been a little more bad I would have received the proper amount of attention.
The second trend is not unrelated to the first. I've consistently been spurned and ignored by my peers throughout my life. You know that kid that's always picked last in sports? Yeah, I was the kid sitting next to him that never got picked at all. No joke. I think in many ways I brought it on myself; I was an awkward kid and never got the social thing. I think for a while I wasn't included in things, then I eventually just stopped trying or caring to be involved.
So I think my need to be with someone and around someone and close to someone is really deep-seated. I doubt there's anything that will change the need itself, and how I behave when I'm alone, but I guess it's worth posting about anyways.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
13 comments:
Hi James
I have read all your posts up until mid September and will finish the rest shortly.You are a really deep person and things you refer to and leave posts on make me look at my own life and re-evalue things I have taken for granted.Thanks for allowing us to come aboard your journey.
ps I love the header pic on your blog.It is more beautiful and sensual than any naked pic.
Cheers and best wishes
Thanks, John. :) I'm glad that you can find a lot to relate to. I guess I am going through a lot of things that many of us have to go through.
Yeah, I love the pic, too. It's simple beauty, love, and sensuality without being trashily erotic as you pointed out. It's the type of intimacy I always hope for.
Ya know, I think that for most people there are always deep seated issues in our life that keep us from fully enjoying who it is that we are supposed to be.
Sometimes seeking the help of a therapist to aid in the letting go process. Although I am not sure we can completely let go.
But I think being aware of what the problems stem from is a good start to really beginning healing in our life.
I guess that is why they say that life is a journey.
James,
Realising the incomplete parts in us from the past is good.
Life sometimes is like a puzzle, it takes time for you to figure out the missing part and slowly when you finish it, you will find it worthy. Figuring things out is where you are now, why don't you think about how to solve those missing parts?
Peace out! XD
P.S. The first time I dropped by, it's the header that caught my eyes first >.<
The insidious thing about those early experiences of being ignored and spurned is that they create an expectation that the pattern will keep repeating itself. So in every situation, the slightest thing can start to replay the program in your head, "They are spurning me; they are ignoring me," which in turn makes you all the more needy.
Even when you aren't really being spurned or ignored, that deep-seated program convinces you that you are. At least if you're anything like me, that's how it is. In my case the program convinces me that I'm being rejected in lots of situations where it's not true, and that I'm in serious danger of being rejected when it isn't really the case.
I'd be willing to bet that deep inside you didn't really stop caring to be involved, although you may have largely given up trying. If so, the awful result was that time after time in all sorts of ways, there you were craving attention, wanting to be involved, but convinced that it could not happen and not bothering to try because you saw no hope of success. And so the hurts continued to pile up until you reached the place where the pain became a knife in your heart. I believe that pain can be healed. I hope and I pray that it will.
I'm not sure exactly what the solution is, but I do think that recognizing the issues makes it possible to begin to see things differently, not to take for granted that the "ignored and spurned" program is always telling you the truth. Bit by bit you can come to see times when you are noticed and recognized and valued. I hope that it will happen and that knowing you are recognized and wanted will come, in time, to wash away the mountain of hurt and pain that has accumulated in your heart.
And I think Jason is right that therapy can help.
OXO
God love you.
And God bless the friend who suggested linking back to where the feelings came from.
Thanks for the comments, guys. I fear that maybe all the scarring from past damages has made healing an impossibility, at least on my own. To build up any level of trust and willingness to recognize acceptance would probably take the love and near-divine patience of a very good lover. And, of course, we all see how I've set myself up fine there.
I think one serious blow to my being recently came when I stopped working at the summer camp I practically grew up at. I've stopped working there for conflicts of religion/sexuality, and it's the one place on earth where I knew I was and felt categorically appreciated. My work there was very rewarding and meaningful...and now I've lost that fulfillment.
I'm glad you've been thinking :)
But see? That's a start. It'll dawn on you for sure, you'll just be sipping your coffee and then you'll think, "wow, everything just comes together." And then you'll know how to deal with it and everything. It's a great sense of enlightenment and a great catalyst for change.
:)
James, I really appreciate all your posts and how deep and thoughtful they all are. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Like John said in the first comment above, I too can relate to a lot of your issues but could never express them as succinctly as you have here in your blog.
I'm glad that you were able to think back to your past and recognize where those feelings might be coming from. I hope that you will be able to work through those feelings and stay positive.
Look forward to reading more thoughts from you.
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Doug. :)
so late is my reply that it may not be read, but i check all blogs after i'm grounded.
which surprisingly isn't too much. :/
but i know how you feel. not too much about being ignored or missed by the rents. nothing else but work to focus on around here anyway.
but not being picked at all, i totally know the feeling.
even when a 'friend' gets up there i'm still last pick. makes one feel peachy keen, doesn't it?:/
but all in all, it's better to realize things such as these than waddle along through life absentmindedly. or at least, i think so.
Interesting, I never much liked attention. I always feel a lot of the attention given to me was overstated or overrated, and sometimes I felt like I didn't live up to the attention.
I'm often content to blend into the background, be the one constant - the one there who can be depended on but who doesn't necessarily stick out. Things can be more interesting if you're observing "from the shadows" rather than be involved.
And it's an interesting phenomenon, because even being "side-lined" as you say, I could always use it to my advantage. I could build up a case, work hard, go by unnoticed until I arrive at something before others, or do something totally unexpected. And it sometimes shocks people because they don't expect it from me, of all people.
I was always among the last kids chosen for teams in sports. That changed a little once I got to college and made good friends, but I was never (nor shall I ever, I think) be considered one of the best in a team. But hey, even we have our uses. :P
So I suppose I understand where you're coming from but I react to it differently. It's as it goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Yeah, it can be a problem, but it's what you do with it that ultimately counts.
Yeah, I guess that's more or less what I ended up doing. I excelled in several subjects in school and then amazed peers when they needed help with something.
Really, though, my use was always limited. I wasn't more than glorified study notes for many.
Post a Comment