Linking Back: Part 4~Epilogue

Sorry, I knew I said the last post was about this was the final post, but there's something else that came up with a friend that I'm realizing might have to do with a real important event in my past. This might be an atypically long post, sorry about that.

(What follows is something I've only shared with a few of you, and something I've never put down in a post.) When I was younger, in my teens, I had a close friend (male) that I shared a lot with. We were pretty close, and, since he was a few years younger than me, I got looked up to as the one with "answers" and "experience." I didn't necessarily encourage this mild hero worship, but it just happened as a dynamic of the relationship.

One day we were fooling around, as if we were engaging in sexual activity or something. We both got hard and things went from play to the real thing. No one forced anything on anyone; it just happened. The sexual activity happened repeatedly after that, with him doing much of the initiating and escalating (wanting to take it to a more intimate level). I was the more daring one in that I'd want to get intimate in the oddest places. It was a very mutually beneficial relationship insofar as exploring and learning about sex was concerned. It was safe, and we were learning how our bodies worked. At a point, I broke the relationship off because I felt guilty (about the activity for one, but mostly because he was younger than me). That didn't last long.

The relationship never became more than mere intimacy for my friend, though. Possibly because I held back on key things: I wouldn't kiss, I wouldn't engage in intercourse, etc. One day we were lying together after a "session", I was tracing my hand over his body, and he said to me, "I don't think we can do this again." I can't say I was surprised; I also can't say I wasn't hurt deeply. We never did anything again, and now he's engaged to some girl (who, btw, I don't dislike). Not just my heart was broken that day, but something far less repairable and recoverable: my trust.

My friend, the one that made me remember this event's importance on my life now, accused me today of liking to be alone. Of liking being lonely. I became very upset at the suggestion. But, upon closer reflection, I wonder if that isn't because it's at least partially true. The reason I think he might be right is because I've noticed a pattern whereby when I acquire new friends, I invariably get into big fights with them. And, while a fight may be one thing, I often just terminate the relationship right there after the argument. I don't know, but it seems true, it's like I almost look for opportunities to sabotage my friendships.

I don't think I like being alone. Up until today I would have told you categorically that I did not. Is it possible that my fear and distrust of people make me so that, despite what I say, I really am of the mindset that I won't let people get close to me? Because I'm afraid they'll hurt me? I'm sorry if you're one of my friends and you're experiencing my moods or whatever it is we want to call it. I don't blame anyone that doesn't have the patience to sit my crap out so that they can make sure I don't go off the deep end. I hope none of you feel that you are in that situation with me; I'm very sorry if you do. For those that are willing to really go the extra mile and tough it out with me, I'm really appreciative. I think I need friends that are understanding, that don't back down, and that don't give up on me, no matter how dumb I sound or become.