Linking Back: Part 3~Finale

I think this is the last installment of this series of thought, because I think it is the last thing of my past that has persistent implications on how I presently behave and feel and act.

In life we all have those people that mean something to us, but we also have those people that are singularly unique and meaningful to us. That person that can cheer us up no matter what, that person that seems to give without question from the heart, and the one person you are sure would never let you down. For me in life, that was my cousin Dani. Dani was the middle child of my mom's evil, disturbed, and twisted sister, Lois. I don't mind mentioning Dani's name for reasons below and I don't mind mentioning my aunt's name because she deserves no privacy for what she's done.

Dani was pure sunshine for me; she loved living, and always thought the best of people. She knew just how much joking anyone could take, and dished out the humor likewise. Mostly she just loved me and treated my like a special little brother (about 3 years younger than her). Dani understood my issues with socializing and never pushed me. She was just always there willing to meet up and give me a great big hug when we met.

A few years ago, Dani got in a really bad car accident. She was in a coma for several days, and broke a lot of the bones in her body. Her recovery was remarkably fast, nothing was going to keep Dani down, but she started to suffer debilitating depression (possibly due to physical injuries from the head trauma). My aunt Lois was particularly trying on Dani at this time; Lois put a lot of guilt trips on her because, don't you know, my aunt invested so much time and love into Dani's recovery (Lois only did that because, to her, appearances are everything...she wanted to appear to be a caring, loving mom when she's really a neglectful, swag-bellied measle).

One day when Dani was visiting her mom, about a year after the accident, they got in a big fight. Dani found a pistol in a drawer of an endtable at Lois's house (how creepy is that?), and, later that evening when she had gone home, Dani told her boyfriend she was going out for a drive. She lied; Dani shot herself through the head and was found the next day by a jogger.

If you've never lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the level of grief I experienced in the days that followed. At the viewing, and especially the funeral, I've never ever cried so hard in my life. I thought my heart would explode from the pain I had inside. I ran out of tears several times and would not be comforted by anything. My heart was shattered that day, and I'm still slowly picking up the pieces of what's left. My depression intensified after that, and I was left with so many questions unanswered. Mainly, why if Dani loved me so much did she not trust that I would comfort her when she felt this bad? I still don't know the answer to that.

So, this is a very painful moment in my life that still effects me to this day. In many ways, it has been nothing but evil in my life. For me, very little good if any has come from the situation. However, it is the one and only reason I do not kill myself when things get the worst. I don't think I can cause that pain to my family again, I think my sister would be irrecoverably devastated. Perhaps it's not the best reason to continue on (something I'm not sure is worth it in the first place), but it helps keep me here, for now, and people tell me that that is a good thing.