In the last post, I gave some pertinent background information on myself. Now I'll explain my decision and how the previous information factors into it.
Coming out was really helping to bring me out of my depression. I realized that this was only so, however, because somehow I had connected coming out with being open for a relationship. Having a relationship was a separate decision, though, and when the realization of this sank in, it was like I was back to square one. The depression got harder to fight, and I started to have bad episodes again. I couldn't decide if God was going to be okay with me having a partner, and the more scripture I read the more an answer seemed impossible.
Then I realized a couple things. 1) Jesus says nothing about homosexuality. 2) The scriptures possibly pertinent to homosexuality are too vague to give any definitive answer on the matter. 3) Any answer I got would need to come from a conversation between God and me alone.
After a lot of talking with others, a lot of praying, and a lot of thinking, I realized something. If I have no prospect of being with a partner, if I decide that being alone is what God wants from me, then I will continue to be very depressed and will probably sooner or later take my life. I don't mean this to sound melodramatic, and I'm not trying to get sympathy. It's just the way things would be. It's the truth.
So I decided, me dead is probably not something God wants; He cares about me being alive than me not being with someone. I'm sure I'm more useful to God alive, and that's only going to happen if I can keep myself open to not being alone forever. I need to have this hope to hang on. So, perhaps it's not much of a decision, but it's a matter of circumstance, and this is the result.
So, I'm keeping myself open to the possibility of a boyfriend/partner. I think this decision is made in good faith, and I think if I'm following the spirit and letter of what Jesus taught I can't go wrong with the Lord. I feel at peace now; for the second time since I've started coming out happiness has been restored to me.
Monday, August 25, 2008
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11 comments:
It's nice to see that you found a solution to your issues, and that you found a way to concile your desires with your religious point of view. I guess it's the key to a happy life, if you life in accordance to your belief. I'm so happy not to believe in anything though, when I see the issues it can cause.
So you are very religious, I didn't noticed that when we were talking on AIM. I'am religious too and I don't have this problems. I had them long time ago. Just do what you want, God will give you sign if that's wrong :)
In addition to all this, you should also realize that there are people in your life who care about you and would miss you if you were gone. Your life is entangled with everyone you meet. If you were to die, that part of you that resides in others die too.
And thus, we're glad you've found a happier ending. :D
I'm super happy for you! I'm glad that you asked other people for advice and stuff, but still came to your own conclusion. I'm also glad that you came to that conclusion because your blog is really interesting to read and it'll be hard to read it if you're not posting anymore...
:D I know that God wants us to be happy.
Aww, thanks Joshua. :) Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I hope I can extend my usefulness, too, to maybe some guys in the blogging world (or anyone that stumbles across my blog) and be a support for them. For those who don't have a faith factor, I think this experience is very different.
Well reasoned and also wise. I'm so pleased that I don't hafta hunt you down and slap u round! jk
I think of Jesus as the coolest dude ever. He loves and accepts. It's the bastards who use religious belief to control people that cause the trouble.
Jesus gave us just 2 commandments and explained that they cover EVERYTHING!
1. Love God
2. Love others as u want to be loved.
and then his best line: "Judge not lest you be judged"...
Seems pretty simple to me.
Amen!
.
.
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Suppose you met a great guy who said something like, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I don't think God wants us to have sex. I'll love you like the best friend you ever had, and I want you to love me the same way. We'll share our thoughts and our lives."
Is it possible that having that kind of personal intimacy — loving and knowing that you were loved — would enable you to go on living?
i don't know that that kind of intimacy like that wouldn't really mean that much to me. i have a number of friends i pretty much share everything with. but that only goes "so far."
i don't really see the purpose of a life without physical intimacy. as man, i was not made to be alone...and the prospect of being as such is not a pleasant one. not one i think i can live with.
How about if you add the "good touch without a sexual component" that you mentioned in response to one of my comments on another post?
Suppose, for example, that someone like C would let you do what you've been doing, but that was about the limit?
Let me tell you a bit about myself. This is stuff I've never told anyone on the internet. I'm 65 years old. When I grew up the norm was to be in the closet, so I never came out as a young man except to my immediate family, who promptly ignored it, and to a couple of people in positions of authority who had a right to know. About 10 or 15 years ago, I managed to come out to two people whom I trusted to keep it confidential. That was a great relief, but subsequently, we have drifted apart. So for the almost 50 years since I realized my orientation, I have lived a celibate life without physical intimacy, and very little of the emotional/personal intimacy of close friendship. On the occasions when I managed to strike up a friendship with someone attractive, I bungled the relationship. The only enduring friendship is very long-distance. I have had lots of pleasant enough acquaintances at work, at church, and in my community. It has not been ideal. At times I have been reasonably content, and at times I have longed for more.
Nowadays, with coming out an accepted thing for those who choose it, there is a possibility for relationships based on the truth about you. You can have friendships with both gay and straight, men and women, without the looming fear that they will guess your deep dark secret. You can be who you are — the whole person, not just the sexuality, and not (like me) everything but the sexuality. Congratulations on having the possibility of a joyful life before you.
wow, thanks for sharing naturgesetz. it does mean a lot hearing something from someone while also knowing their personal background.
i think that that kind of intimacy is good...but i think in the end it is very unrewarding. it's the type of touch you get from family etc, and it can't fulfill the sexual needs of the person.
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