A Decision: Part I

As a lot of you know, the main problem I've been struggling with recently is whether or not I think God condones my having a relationship with another guy. This has caused me a lot of grief, but I think I finally have an answer. This decision, though, needs two posts, I think. Some background on who I am and what has allowed me to have an answer, and then a post on why I've chosen the answer I have.

Part I
Americans are very fond of putting people in descriptive boxes. Some boxes are insulting (hooker), some are complementary (good baker), and some are a little of both (geek). Either way, I think labels/boxes/diagnosis like this make it easier to conceive of someone. It's like shorthand for understanding someone's personality.

One area Americans are particularly fond of giving these diagnoses is where describing someone's mental conditions is concerned. If you don't believe me, pick up a DSM-IV sometime and take a look. (Please keep in mind I make no judgments of goodness/badness, usefulness, or any aspect of these diagnoses here.)

Personally, I dislike having labels applied to myself. I think labels/diagnoses too readily put me in a box, and diagnoses almost always come with some kind of medication as treatment. I'd rather be given the chance to work out something on my own; I'm that eager to know myself.

This kind of position has generally worked well for me; I know what my issues are and I can live with them. But at about 16 years old, this philosophy stopped working. I started around this time to develop severe depression; I would have bad days, or even hours where just living and breathing seemed a laborious task. I often became suicidal and did things not beneficial to my well being. It wasn't until I was about 19 that I decided something was really wrong, and that I needed help, and that I couldn't provide the help on my own. It took 5 psychiatrists, an MD, and 4 different kinds of medication over the years before I've been able to keep this thing in check. But finally, I have a working prescription and a doctor I like.

But the psyche is not cured by medication alone. The second major contribution to getting back on track has been coming out. Admitting and accepting who I am has done more for my happiness than anything else besides medication. Part of coming out for me has been learning to be comfortable with and accepted by other guys, especially gay guys. I have started to see myself as possibly, slightly attractive, and I have started to see that a real relationship with a guy is possible. This has given me a lot of hope, and raised my spirits in general. What relief to no longer hate every fiber of my being! If I can love myself, then so can others. Lately, things had started to really look up for me...