What Makes Me Gay?

Someone commented an something I had said a while back about my sexuality being a result of life events, and biology and personality. Even though you know I am not a fan dwelling on the way (I made myself insane for years with that question), the person asked if I would elaborate on my comments. I can see that it is only fair if I do so. If I've found an answer that works for me, then I think all of you deserve knowing about it.

I think my orientation is due in large part to biological reasons. Growing up, I had a very melancholy personality. I was quiet, shy, and overly thoughtful among many other related things. Because of my personality, I was often side-lined (sometimes willingly) when it came to interacting in more stereotypically masculine activities, such as hiking, sports, and the like. When I did participate in such activities (AYSO soccer), I was rarely appreciated for my efforts. If I was encouraged, I could tell the coach or team players were obviously lying. Instead I took a large interest in scientific things (masculine, perhaps, but less stereotypically so) and homemaking things. I learned to crochet, cook, and identify plants and animals. Neither of my parents made a serious effort to push me towards more "manly" things.

By the time I was hitting my early teens, this disfavor for "masculine" activities had taken the form of a distinct hate for such activities. I hated the activities because I sucked at them, I hated my peers for excluding me (whether in reality or only perceived), and I hated myself for being sour grapes about it. What I longed for was inclusion and acceptance by the popular male peers in my group, and that was because it was the very thing I lacked.

So, I think it was a delicate developmental process for my sexuality. Because of my biological nature, I was disinclined towards the very things that could have socially defined a straight sexuality for me. Perhaps if US culture were more permissible about what is "stereotypically" masculine, I would not have developed quite the need for contact with male peers my age. Maybe I would be gay, or bi. Maybe not. It is just a thought; but y'all asked.

I think early sexual experiences also have a lot to do with where one ends up on the sexual spectrum. I don't think it categorically makes one one way or another (plenty of guys experiment but don't end up gay and vice versa), but I think for some kids on the edge, such as I was, it can make a big difference. In my mid-teens i became involved with another guy. It was mutual fun, and we did stuff together for several years. It wasn't a real relationship, though, and I think it probably didn't constitute any thing more than animal love. We didn't kiss, we didn't tell each other we loved each other, it was weird.

For some reason, though, I took that relationship as meaning much more than it did. I was devastated when we broke up, but I never lost the taste (so to speak) for "guy." I like girls, I even find them sexually attractive sometimes, but if I am ever sexually intimate with someone again in my life, it will have to with a man. That's just the way I am.

So, there you have it. I don't have the answers; it's all pure conjecture. My reasoning could all be crap. But, it doesn't matter anymore WHY. I like guys, that's not changing, and now I can move on with my life. I hope if you read this, and you are struggling with the "why" question, that you will be able to tell that it's a fruitless question that only distracts you from carrying on with your life.