My Testimony

I put this on a site for gay Christians that I frequent. I think it gives some good insight into me, and also has some information about my journey in coming out etc.

"I know some of things I discuss might sound random at first, but I believe everything I mention will be pertinent to the discussion of my homosexuality and its interplay with my faith.

I was raised in a non-denominational church (largely ex-Southern Baptists) in a rural-ish Inland Empire city. My dad hails from a Catholic background, but had been a druggy rebel during the 1970's, until he met my mom. My mom comes from a very conservative, Southern Baptist background. My dad cleaned up when they got together. While my mom has a very strong personality, she and my dad are a pretty good team when it comes to deciding things equally.

I had a best friend J. from about 3 to 12 or so. We were as close as brothers and did everything together...like inseparable twins. We never did anything sexual in purpose, but just regular, stupid guy stuff. When he moved away at 12, I was very much devastated. I didn't realize how much that that hurt me until I considered it later in life. But I have always been a singular individual, preferring one close relationship to many shallow ones.

From a very young age, I remember being very affected by the gospel message. I understood from a very young age the concept of sin, and carried around a lot of guilt because I "wasn't a Christian." When I was 7, I accepted the forgiveness of Christ for myself. I didn't get baptized until I was 14, however.

It the meantime I grew up a very awkward kid. I always wore sweat pants (WHY!?), I was very analytical (still am), and very critical. I was never part of the cool kids group, and was generally ignored when it came to things like group sports, etc. I took it in stride, though, and hung out with other "uncool" kids. Occasionally I would get a glimmer of recognition when my intellect came in handy.

In my mid-teens I became sexually active (same sex). While I enjoyed the feelings, I condemned myself for the actions. Hating who I was in every way, I asked to be baptized, hoping for a miraculous cure. The cure didn't come, though, and I continued with my actions until late teens, when I broke up with the other guy. My heart was torn in two; I don't know how I could have thought that the relationship was anything more than animal pleasure, but I did, and so have a lot of trust issues today. I readily make friends, but don't let anyone get farther than than.

When I went to college, I was largely able to put off accepting who I was. I was part of the popular group as an undergrad, I had good grades, and I was ministered to by a very loving group of brothers (disciples of Watchman Nee). My network of friends included several gay guys, each who was very supportive of me (though I wasn't out to them).

Despite the "fun times" I was having, I began to deal with severe depression at this time. No doubt a lot of it came from having to hide a great part of who I was. This is still something I struggle with today, but lately it has become much less severe an issue.

These last few years I've been in grad school, I sank to the worst low of my life. I was at the bottom of the foodchain in our department, I was lonely as ever, and there was a slow, unwilling realization of who I was. These last couple quarters, I seem to have snapped (in a good way). I have been honest with myself...I like guys eh. And I doubt it's something that will change. I've stopped crying at night, asking the Lord "why?!", and I'm much more at peace, asking the Lord, "show me why in Your time."

I started coming out to some friends, and a close family member (cousin). Everyone has loved me just the same as before, and praised my honesty. I don't expect my honesty shall always be rewarded with such love and acceptance, but I have enough support elsewhere now it doesn't matter. I am slowly getting involved with Brothers and Sisters again. I know this: I don't want to be alone, ever. If the Lord allows, I would very much like to get involved with someone long-term. Whether or not the Lord wants sex to be part of that relationship is still something He hasn't revealed to me yet. But, I take one step at a time."